Reflections of a Butterfly

Our 3 year old son, who has been fully potty trained for a few months now, recently began pottying in his pants again... When asked why he was choosing to not go to the potty, he informed us that "Dragons live in the potty" and continued to hysterically describe how big and scary they are, and that they would get him if he went potty...

So... long story short: we have been battling dragons ever since. We've tried nerf guns, water pistols, medieval wooden swords, spray bottles of water - uh oh! I mean "dragon poison"... You name it, we've tried it, but unfortunately, those darn dragons just won't go away... :o(

How do you teach a 3 year old that there is nothing to be afraid of, when, in his mind, his fears are so real? How do you show him that there are no dragons, without discouraging him from coming to you with his fears? How do you kill imaginary dragons when they are so big and overwhelming? And we can't even see them...............

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It's been several days, and we are still battling dragons... Sometimes, we seem to press forward in the fight, making progress, and even little steps are enough to encourage us to keep fighting... but then, suddenly, a bigger, stronger, scarier dragon shows up and we are over-powered once again...

That's how things tend to go, though, right? In life, I mean... At least for me anyway... There are times when I find myself paralyzed for fear of the "what if's"... What if my husband doesn't come home this time? What if our daughter's seizures get worse? What if don't teach our son the right things at the right time? What if something bad happens? What if I fail? What if I let ____ (any given person in my life) down? What if I'm not good enough? What if...? What if...? What if...?

Sometimes, I become so consumed by those "What if..." fears, that I can't focus on anything else. I end up spending my time trying to avoid anything possible that I can't predict the outcome of, which is pretty much everything in life... When I get in that "mode", even the things that I'm familiar with... the things I "can predict" the outcome (i.e. something as simple as making a favorite recipe or reading a familiar book, etc...), end up falling apart... I burn the recipe or drop the book in the water-filled sink or something LOL

My point is, sometimes, we create our own fears. We allow our emotions to magnify our worries and concerns, and before we know it, we're standing face to face with a humongous dragon, just waiting to devour us, unsure of what to do, how to fight, and clueless as to why the beast is there.

I recently started singing the hymn, "What A Friend We Have In Jesus" to our kids at bed time... It's always been one of my favorites, but I was reminded of why it's so special to me as I sang it to our crying little boy the past few nights, as he lay in bed surrounded by Buzz Lightyear, his sword, and several other choice toys, to help him not be afraid...

"What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.


Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.



Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear

May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.

Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer

Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there."


I am still learning every day to give my cares, burdens, fears, worries, etc... to God. I have been a born-again Christian for just short of 10 years now, and I am still learning how to pray. I have numerous fears - some very real, some, like the dragons, are self-created... I have chosen all sorts of ways to defend/protect myself... as did our son as he surrounded himself with his treasure possessions which made him feel safe...
 
But, just as little man used his sword and shield, I am finally learning to use God's Word and my faith in Him... Just as my little boy clung to his trusted pal, Buzz Lightyear, I cling to my trusted Saviour, Jesus Christ... Just as the words of the song comforted his little mind, the words in scripture, and the encouragement and prayers of Godly friends comfort me...
 
This battle is raging, and it's not always pleasant, peaceful, and can often be terrifying, but I know that, in the end, all of those dragons will fall to my God, and they are not real, for "God does not give the spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.", so instead of listening to the tricks of my mind, I'm going to choose God. He is my warrior. He is my strength. He is my hope. He is my safety. He is my saviour.
 
As for Garrett's dragons, we'll see, I guess... I'll be praying about it... because God hasn't ever let me down :o)

A couple of days ago, my husband misplaced the keys to his truck. We have searched everywhere we can think of, both in and out of the house, in the vehicles, the garage, everywhere. The first day they went missing, it was no big deal. I figured I could skip my errands for one day – what would it hurt? – and he could just take my car to work. I could search for his keys, and being the “wonder woman” I am (HAHAHA), I would have them tracked down and laid in plain sight for him by lunch time. Unfortunately, by the end of that first day, his keys were still missing. I’d checked everywhere again: They were not in the dog’s area, or the refrigerator, or in the pockets of his clothes, or on the bookshelf, the work bench, or the bottomless pit commonly referred to as our couch. Where could they be?


So, once again, my darling husband had to drive my vehicle in to work, which probably wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that on a good day, it takes him at least an hour to get to work – throw in the rush hour he normally faces, and that time can double. Not to mention the fact that he is in the Army (for those of you who don’t already know), which means his work day often begins at 6 a.m. – and I’m not talking ‘wake up’ here ~ that is often what time he has to arrive at work, which means leaving the house by 4:30 or 5:00 a.m., at the latest. I suppose I could wake up with him, get the kids out of bed 3 – 4 hours earlier than usual, get ready, drive him to work, then drive home so I can have a vehicle for the day, and just pick him up again at the end of the day, and battle rush hour for the 2nd time on the way home. HA. Haha. Hahaha. NOT going to happen! Call me lazy, but I would much rather lay in bed for an extra hour or two!

Inevitably, though, once he leaves for work and the day goes on, I find myself growing antsy. I have had to readjust – well, cancel, if you want to get technical – my plans for a couple of days now. I have errands that need running, and things that need to get done, that I just can’t do without a vehicle. And it is frustrating.

As I dig through the couch for the ump-teenth time, my irritation continues to grow, and I begin talking to myself, saying things like, “He has got to learn to be more responsible. This is ridiculous. How can an entire set of keys just disappear?! I can’t believe he doesn’t know where he left his keys! The kids better not be hiding them ~ if they are, it’s gonna mean one MAJOR time out! I bet the dog ate them… Dumb dog… I hope we didn’t throw them away. WHERE ARE THOSE KEYS?!”

And, then, it hits me.

Maybe, just maybe, this is a God detail.

You see, for the past few weeks, our family has been very busy. I have run myself ragged trying to prepare for upcoming events, help friends/family, participate in things which we have committed to, and just trying to keep up with everyday life ~ the house, the kids, the pets… Occasionally, my husband and I have been able to work in a minute or two here and there where we could at least say hello for the day. That sounds awful, but it’s true. The past few weeks have been incessantly busy, to the point where our time together had been pretty much non-existent. That’s when I realized that my time with God had been the same.

I sat silently in shame as I realized that with as little quality time as I’d been spending with my husband, I’d spent even less with God. I had been so caught up in fulfilling duties, participating in events, and just doing “stuff”, that I had been neglecting the two most important relationships in my life, and I still had more plans, more things on my agenda. I wasn’t slowing down, and… God knew how much I needed to.

Looking back over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed that I have been sleeping so much less, and not well when I do. I have felt physically weak, tired, and at times, ill. I have been short tempered, stressed, frustrated, scatterbrained, forgetful, and overwhelmed. I have felt disconnected from those closest to me, and as if I am simply unable to catch up and keep up with everything from chores to people. I realized that I have been trying to consume an entire six course meal at once, rather than taking things one plate at a time and savoring each individual dish.

As I sat there, with my hands still stuck in the couch and these realizations flooding my mind, God spoke to my heart and I knew that the keys were missing for a reason. It wasn’t some big inconvenience that just randomly occurred. It was God’s way of forcing me to slow down so I could hear Him again. He forced me into the position where I would have no choice but to say, “No, I’m sorry I can’t do ___ today because I do not have a way to get there” and I would have no choice but to stay at home with nothing to do except spend time with my children, doing the things I’d neglected around the house, and in those quiet moments before they wake up in the mornings, just to “Be still and know that [He is] God”…

I am so thankful that He cares enough about me that He would “ruin” my plans and replace them with His… Because His are so much better.

So often, in today’s world, we feel as though we must be “wonder woman”, doing everything perfectly and with ease; without tiring, without frustration, without complaint. But, doing “everything” is not a real possibility. We want to succeed and be the best at everything, making everyone around us happy, or awing people with our abilities, talents, and skills. And when we inevitably fail at one or several things, we feel guilty… shameful… inadequate…We lose sight of the fact that no one is the best at everything, and no one can do it all.

But God… It’s amazing how those two little words can give such hope… The phrase “But God” appears at least 43 times throughout Scripture (according to the KJV Bible). In each instance, it is an example of some way man physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually fails or is lacking… But God… But God always restores. God fills in our gaps with His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His strength. He provides us with what we do not have, and what we have no means to obtain. He prospers us when all we can do is fail. He stands by us, leads us, guides us, loves us, protects us, completes us… And He lets us rest in Him… Matthew 11:28 says, “Come unto me, all who are weary and heavy laden, for I will give you rest.”

I forgot that recently. I forgot to go to Him. I forgot to rest in Him.

While the world tells us that we should be able to “do it all”, God, instead, has a more specific thing(s) He calls us to do. That is where He wants our focus ~ on carrying out His will for us. He equips us to do whatever He calls us to do, therefore, as long as we give our best to what we are called to do - to Him, we will succeed. But if we don’t spend time with God, resting in Him, talking with Him, listening to Him… we will never learn what it is He is calling us to do. Instead, we will spend our time exhausting ourselves trying to find the fulfillment that only comes from following His will and satisfying the purpose He has set before us.

So now, I am taking the time to rest; I’m taking the time to rest in Him. I am spending time with my God. I am spending time resting in Him, allowing Him to restore my soul. Becoming rejuvenated and realizing that it’s ok to not be “busy”. It’s ok to say “no” sometimes, because one plate at a time is all we are equipped to handle. More than any event or activity, more than visiting others or running errands or accomplishing tasks… Spending time with God is what will make us whole. It is what will sustain us. It is what will give us peace. It is what will keep us sane and positive. It is what will bring us the greatest joy…

Don’t waste your time failing at doing it all. It is just not worth the cost. Instead, slow down, and take some time with God, because in Him, success is always found.

http://jocelyngreen.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/leanna.jpg

Good morning :o) (keep in mind that my face doesn't exactly look so happy ~ it's not even 7 a.m. and I've been up for an hour. That's just ungodly LoL.)




Jeremy is home. I was getting ready for bed last night, thinking about a lot of things, I realized that as glad and thankful as I am to have him home, it's kind of... wierd... (is that the right word? Maybe. Maybe not, but I'm going with it...) too.



He was gone for over a year, and it was so hard not being able to be together for so long, but over time ~ after the first few months of crying and feeling lonely - like a piece was just missing from my life (because it was), and just aching every day because he wasn't there to share all the little things with us... Eventually, I - we - got used to it. Not that we didn't still miss him, but we adjusted. We learned how to live and get through each day and how to do the tasks and every day things that life entails... without him.







Having him home the past 2 months has been wonderful. It's been another adjustment, but it's the kind of adjustment I really don't mind making. My man was home :o)



But then, he left for a week. This time, unlike in the past when he left for __ number of months, I didn't ball my eyes out. I didn't feel like running after him and begging him not to go (not that I've actually done that before LoL, but I can't deny wanting to!) Did I want him to go? No. Was I going to miss him? Yes. Did I wish he were home every day he was gone? Yes.



But, him flying out this time was... different... I'm assuming because it was so close to the end of his last deployment. Maybe because the end was in sight ~ I mean, we just went through a year's separation; we can certainly handle a week, no problem! A week is nothing! And though I did miss him very much in that week, I was ok. My world wasn't turned upside down by him leaving this time.



So why am I making such a big deal about this now? Because last night, I happily picked my husband up at the airport and brought him home after his week-long duty, and I realized that now, with him home, we're back to the "adjustment period" again. Yep, that's right ~ we're still adjusting to having him home.



It feels wierd to realize that it now feels more natural (note: I did NOT say better or comfortable as that is not the case) for him to be gone that it does for him to be home. I had not realized how "used to" him being deployed we - I - had gotten until he came home for a while and left again.



It was almost like having your best friend or closest family come visit after not seeing them for a while... You are SO happy and excited to see them, and the time together is fun and wonderful, but then, when they leave to go back home, though you'll miss them, your life resumes as "normal" (whatever that is, right??) You get back to your every day routines and just do things the way you would usually do them before your visitor ever came into the picture.



I didn't realize, until after my hubby was already home again, how easily I'd fallen right back into my learned routines from when he was gone; and how much of a difference having him home makes in those routines. NOT that I'm complaining! We can use a little shaking up, and I wouldn't trade him being home for anything!



I guess I'm just... thinking "out loud"... Wondering, if having him home will ever feel like the "norm" again... Or if somehow, this stange, backwards feeling will stick around and make for easier adjustments on his next deployment... Do I really want "easier"? Some days, yeah... "easier" would be nice... Like on days when my hubby is gone and our 3 year old chooses to be "rambunctious" all day long, then proceeds to flood our upstairs by overflowing the sink in his bathroom (like he did yesterday)... On days like that, I would kiss "easier" smack on the lips. But is "easier" really worth it?



I don't think so.



Life ~ military or civilian ~ is full of changes, and adjusting is just part of living. As an Army wife ~ an Army family ~ we have the opportunity to experience two normals: one with Hubby/Daddy here; and one with Hubby/Daddy away. Reality for us is that someone else primarily decides where we will live, when and how long we will be there, when and how long we will be together or apart, etc... We don't have any control over it... But military or not, we aren't really the ones in control anyway... God's ultimate hand is guiding our lives, and I am so thankful for that because He is infinitely wiser and more able to be in charge than I will ever even dream of being... And He is revealing to me that this ~ my husband being home and involved is our new and our old "normal". When he is gone, that reality kicks in and becomes our "normal" for a given time. We don't have to choose one or the other. We just make the best of both worlds and stay centered on Him, because with God as our foundation, together or apart, our family will make it through.

I just recently began a Bible Study called, “What Happens When Women Walk In Faith”, written by Lysa Terkeurst. As I read through the introduction and first chapter of the book, I found myself saying, “That’s me!” I felt elated, yet unsure, as I continued to read, trying to process everything I was taking in. Things that were a “secret” part of me; things I had not even talked to God about were right there in front of me in black and white, jumping off the page, and there was God, telling me “It’s time to confront this. It’s time to stop pretending. It’s time to step up and start living for Me. It’s time for you to start carrying out the plans I have for you.”


That feeling of elation kicked in again, along with that of excitement, followed closely by fear. I have pulled away from God for so long; not intentionally, but through various choices I had made, actions I had taken, bad habits and harmful temptations I had allowed myself to fall into. It had been a long, dark, winding road to the place I found myself currently in, and I had no idea how to find my way back… But, then, there was God. I’d thought for sure I had wandered too far from Him. They always say that if you feel like you’re far from God, He’s never the one who moved, and you can always find Him right where you left Him, but I figured out today that that statement isn’t entirely true. Yes, I was the one who moved, but God didn’t stay where I’d left Him, allowing me to walk away and get lost. Instead, He stayed right there with me… He was there through it all… All the bad choices, the temptations, the hurts, the anger, the sadness… He was there, arms wide open, just waiting for me to LET Him catch me every time I fell. But I, unfortunately, kept choosing to let myself just fall to the ground. I kept dodging His outstretched arms, choosing not to see – choosing to not acknowledge His presence. Out of guilt, out of shame… I knew I was the one who had walked away. I knew I was the one who stopped allowing Him to be a part of my life. But He never left. He spent all this time waiting quietly on the sidelines for me to grab hold of His hand and say “get in the game! I want You on my team!”

Why has it taken me so long to say that? Why did I allow myself to be fooled into believing that I had done too many things wrong; made too many wrong choices; walked too far away; etc… for Him to still want me and love me? Why did I fool myself into thinking that I was too far gone for Him to ever be able to use me? I’d convinced myself that I was a failure, so I’d better just keep going to try to make the best of the mess I’d made of my life. But, God said “No. I want better for you. I have better for you, and I want to show you that I am sufficient; I can pull you through – I can lift you out of this darkness and I can use you to glorify Me, if you will only take My hand and say, ‘Yes, Lord’. I have been waiting for you for too long. It’s time.”

There is a song called, “From Nowhere To Now – Here” by The Kin. It’s not a Christian song, but I happened to hear it playing softly in the background as I was reading through my Bible study and I heard God’s voice in the lyrics of the chorus…

“Take this love

Calls your name

No need to walk alone

From nowhere to now here

Change has come

Well come in

No need to walk alone

From nowhere to now here”

I listened to those words over and over again. I kept replaying the song, and I realized that it described my relationship with God. God is offering His love to me – still. I got Saved over 9 years ago, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am His, but as I explained previously, somewhere along the way, I got lost and pulled away, distancing myself from Him – or so I thought. But here He is, right beside me, offering His unconditional love, despite all I have done, and all I have not done. He is calling my name, and telling me He is with me, willing to walk with me from this place – my “nowhere” – to get me to His “now here”. He wants to take me to where He wants me to be. He wants to walk with me and pull me out of this dark void, the middle of nowhere, and show me the specific “here” where He wants me to be; the place I can be nourished by Him, by His Word and grow. The place He can use me for His glory.

So, here I am, Lord. I am ready to take Your hand. I am ready for You to lead me out of this place I find myself. Ready for you to guide me forward – not back. I am ready to walk with you. Guide me, Lord. Nourish my heart, my mind… Teach me what I need to know, so that you may use me to honor You. Hold me tightly, Lord, so that I may not wander from You again. I need You, Father, because in all my wandering I have learned that I cannot make it alone….. Thank You for not letting me go… In Jesus’ name… In Jesus’ name… yes, Lord…

My children and I have recently had the privilege & blessing of spending several weeks with my cousins-in-law. Throughout the last two weeks or so of our stay, our twelve-year-old cousin, Josh, and I sort of battled it out between surprise attack tickling/wrestling matches (initiated by Josh) and ice fights (presumably where he would daily put large pieces of ice down my back at the most unexpected and inopportune moments!)


So, I began planning my counter attack. I just let the wheels turn, and gave no sign of what I was thinking. Once I came up with a plan, however, I did give him a simple warning: “I’ll get you back; don’t worry. It’s coming, and it will be good, and it will be unexpected.” Daily, Josh would ask me countless times what I was up to. He would smugly remind me, “You still haven’t gotten me yet”, but as the days wore on, I could see him relax, thinking I’d forgotten all about my plan for revenge. Little did he know…

I set my alarm for VERY early on my last morning there. When it went off, I got up and began filling a large pitcher full of very cold ice water. Josh’s parents, Cam & Marilyn, and his sister, Jessie, all knew what was coming (I’d asked their permission to do this ahead of time), so they got up with me (Apparently, Josh is quite the prankster, so they wanted to see him put in his place as well, haha). We snuck quietly into Josh’s dark room, and I tiptoed over to his bed where he was sleeping so soundly, bundled up in his nice, warm, cozy blanket. Jessie had the camera rolling, and Cam was in charge of the lights, so I pulled back the covers slightly, careful not to pull them all the way off ~ we didn’t want him to wake up too soon ~ and whispered, “Turn on the light”… Suddenly, the room was lit up, bright and almost blinding, when I ripped the rest of the covers back and doused Josh in the icy water! He awoke startled and screaming, scared and shocked, unsure of what was happening. It took him a minute or two to calm down, as Marilyn sat on the dry corner of his bed quietly telling him, “Josh, it’s ok. It’s us. We’re here” as he sat there trembling with teary eyes and began to realize what had happened.

I realized something myself this morning… This is often how Satan works in our lives. See, Satan does not know all things as God does, so he has to use other methods to get to us. He observes us and he learns what and where our weaknesses are, as well as our strengths. He studies us as intricately as necessary, in order to figure out the best way to get at us… the best way to trip us up, and when he figures that out, he keeps at it, mercilessly trying to succeed in hindering, and even stopping, our walk with God.

Sometimes, he (Satan) will lash out as Josh did. He will plan surprise attacks that can come out of the blue, sometimes knocking us down, other times, we are able to fend them off fairly easily. Sometimes, we see them coming, or even if we don’t see them or know exactly when they’re coming, we are alert because we do know they could happen at any moment, so we keep our guard up and say, “Get thee behind me Satan” (Mark 8:33).

Then, there are those times when we let our guard down. We either haven’t been attacked much lately, or we’ve had no problem fending off the attacks, so we gradually become complacent, even proud or smug, in a way, and we forget that, at any moment, an attack could come and if we aren’t ready for it, we could lose the battle.

Though Josh and I were just playing a game, it’s just like my strategic early morning attack on him. It wasn’t that I’d forgotten about him; instead, I was waiting for the right moment to “attack”. I had to wait until he was not on guard, and would not be able to do any change-ups on me, possibly deterring my plan of action.

Satan does that same thing. Sometimes, he will step back, he will sit, and wait, and watch, allowing us to “recover”, thinking that we have “finally succeeded” in fending him off for good; he lets us think that we are so good that he couldn’t possibly get one over on us. He leaves things alone, allowing us to not only enjoy, but get used to, how good (by our standards) things are. He gives us just enough time to “forget” (or at least, put on the back burner) all of those little attacks from before… And as he waits, he is planning something major; something that will hopefully (in his eyes) shake us to our core. He will choose just the right moment, when we are complacent, unexpecting, and as unprepared as possible, and he will attack, without warning, without concern, without mercy. He will do whatever he can to leave us shaken, feeling helpless and unprotected, scared and alone.

But in those times, God is there. Even when we fall under attack, God is right there beside us. He knew ahead of time what was coming, even when we did not. In fact, just as I went to Cam and Marilyn for permission before launching my surprise attack on Josh, Satan must go to God for permission before he can do anything to us (i.e. Job 1). God “will never leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5), and just as Marilyn sat by Josh on his icy, wet bedside, God is by our side saying, “It’s ok, I’m right here.” It’s just a matter of listening to Him. You see, when those attacks come, we have a choice to make: we can either get caught up in the moment of the battle, and find ourselves lost in the minefield Satan has set before us, OR… we can choose to keep our eyes on Jesus. We can choose to “be still, and know that [He is] God” (Psalm 46:10). When the battle is raging around us, and we are disoriented, unsure of what to do, not knowing what is coming, or even, at times, what is happening all around us, and we feel completely shaken to our core, we can focus on that “still small voice” (I Kings 19:11-13). You see, as the battles ~ the winds and the rains, the earthquakes and fires ~ rage around us in our lives, God is there. He is not in those things, but He is in us, His children, and if we listen with our hearts, we will hear his “still small voice”, reminding us that “it’s ok” because He is there, and we are His.

I believe that many times, God allows us to fall under attack in order to bring us closer to Him. Sometimes, we get so caught up in everything else, that we forget about His “still small voice”, just as Josh didn’t hear my whisper in his room, and we tune it out… When we stop listening to God in the small ways, He uses/allows bigger things to get our attention. It’s like the refiner’s fire: sometimes, we have to go through the fire to burn away all that extra “stuff” that builds up, gradually blocking our view of God, separating us from Him, and His hand in our lives. In order to get rid of all the junk, all the little things that we hold on to that keep us from seeing Him and hinder us from walking with Him regularly, He has to allow it to be burned away. It’s not always easy or fun or pleasant; sometimes, it’s shocking, and painful, and hard. But in the end, it’s what is best for us because it puts us in our place ~ in the place and the condition that God wants us to be in.

So, the next time you find yourself under attack – expected or not – keep your focus on God. Remember that He will only allow these attacks if there is a good purpose for it. James 4:8 says, “Draw close to God and He will draw close to you”… take heed of that and draw yourself close to Christ Jesus, the King of Glory (Colossians), and let Him strengthen your faith. Let Him lead you to victory. Don’t forget that the war is already won; we are just making our way back across the battlefield, and Satan is there, throwing fits of anger and fury, refusing to accept The Truth.

But, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test,

he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him"... ~

James 1:12. I'm praying tonight for God's strength in overcoming the trials and

temptations that seem to crowd their way into our daily lives. May we choose to trust in

and rely on Him, Christ Jesus, the King of Glory, for He will see us through. He is there,

right beside us, just waiting for us to acknowledge Him and let Him lead us to victory.

I just killed a spider the size of China.

Ok, so not really, but it sounds dramatic, right?! I mean, there I was minding my own business, lounging on the couch, when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. At first, I think I am imagining it, because upon looking, I don't see anything on the rug in the dining room, but I get up to check anyway just because I know if I don't, I will wake up to a monstrous snake or something wrapped around my dining table in the morning. SO... I get up and finally see it: this FREAKY looking spider w/ legs longer than a European super model's and about 1000 beady eyes - and they're all STARING at me. OH MY WORD!




SO... I start looking for things to squoosh it with - because of course, I'm barefoot and there's NO WAY I'm getting any closer than 10 feet from this thing - it's about half the size of a dollar bill (aka China - hello!) and could launch some kind of ninja counter attack against me at any minute. So, I'm running around, afraid to go into the other room because the second I let the monster out of my sight, I know it will go into hiding and begin plotting against me in the night. Then I see my defense: my 2 year old's tennis shoe. I pick it up and hurl it at the spider.



FYI: toddler sized shoes for spiders the size of China do not work so well in the squooshing department. This knowledge base was reinforced when I hurled my son's OTHER shoe at it, also missing, but not by enough to keep the creature from getting mad. By this time, the thing was spinning around in a fashion that somewhat reminded me of that all-too-well-known scene from The Exorcist (not that I've seen the movie; I've just heard about it). Then, I saw my saving grace!!!! (Bright, heavenly light shines down; angelic music plays mystically in the background) A box!!!



Thankfully, a friend had mailed a package for the kids that had arrived the day before, and there sat the empty box - it was heavy duty cardboard, solid, firm - and most importantly: BIG. I picked it up, making sure it was sealed closed - I didn't want the spider getting inside and turning it into some kind of hideout or something. Then, I slowly tiptoed over towards the rug, being careful to stay far enough back so that I can duck for cover if I miss and the freak arachnid decides to go all bad-spiderman on me or something.



I find my pitching position, I aim, and in the fastest slow motion I've ever seen, I throw the box at the spider. It lands on him and bounces off, as I take off running in the opposite direction. YEESSSS!!! I GOT HIM!!! I cautiously make my way back over to the area. I see his somewhat crippled and withered body, crumpled there on my rug, and then, he starts twitching.

Yes, I said "twitching".


Now, let me tell you, you just don't know wierd (or gross) until you've seen a spider twitching. I figure the creature is a mutant and will come back to life at any moment, so I pick up the box, careful not to touch the side that landed on him - nasty!) and use it to push him off of my rug, onto the wood floor, where I proceed to drown him in a shower of Raid. HAHA! Victory!!! I grab my broom and dust pan, and using the box again, I hold the dust pan in place so I can, from a distance, sweep his nasty little bug body into it. I would have held it, but spiders are sneaky little creatures - you never know when they're just playing dead. Like I said, "China" - this thing was industrial!



SO... I get him scooped up and dump him in the trash, but the little booger won't fall to the bottom ~ I have to get out my gloves and an empty milk jug, and of course, my good ole' trusty box :o) and use them to mash the trash down so that if that nasty thing does decide to come back to life, he'll have to go through today's supply of dirty diapers to get back to me. Beat THAT creature!!!



Now, here I am, back on the couch, looking around, slightly paranoid, and eyeing that suspicious looking piece of fuzz that keeps floating around the floor on the other side of the room. All I know is, that fuzz had better be careful: one gust of wind in the wrong direction and my box and I just might take it out!


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That is a true story that happened to me a week or so ago. As you can tell, I am slightly afraid of spiders. I always have been. Every time I see a spider, my body just begins to tremble with this intense fear and anxiety, and that fact got me thinking…

We all have spiders in our lives. Not  literal spiders necessarily, but rather things that creep into our lives, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes unwelcomed, unwanted… Sometimes, those things are frightening, sometimes they are saddening, overwhelming, hurtful. Sometimes they bring anger and frustration, confusion, exhaustion, and then there are even times when the “spiders” that appear in our lives leave us shaken to the core, almost paralyzed by their venom… For us Military wives, so many times, those things - those “spiders – come creeping in during deployments and/or separations.

During those times, we are usually physically on our own. We have our jobs/duties, our kids, our homes, the whole kit and caboodle – it is all resting on our shoulders. It is up to us to do everything; to keep our world around us going when our spouse is hundreds, or even thousands of miles away from us.

In those times, we often feel alone. Sure, there are days that aren’t so bad, and we do alright, but we’ve all had those moments when we just reach our breaking point. The teenager is acting out again; the house is a mess; the grocery store was packed and out of half the items on your list; the car needs an oil change; the baby is teething, sick, and cranky; the deadline for your project at work is approaching quicker than you can prepare; your back is aching; your college classes are far more demanding than you could have imagined; the washing machine just broke – again; the dog just ate your favorite pair of shoes; and you haven’t had a moment to yourself in weeks. There is a lot of stress that we all have to deal with on a daily basis, and many times, that “spider” we call stress, can fill us with the venom of tension, bitterness, anger, and resentment – IF we let it.

BUT, if we choose to look at things through a new light, we can see how God is using those things to work in us and through us in our everyday lives.

For example, remember my spider incident? Well, God used that to show me that He is faithful and will provide me with the strength and courage needed to accomplish whatever comes up. You see, had my husband been home when that horrid little thing came creeping out, I would have been in hysterics, jumping up onto the couch, hollering for him to come and “rescue me”. However, instead, God chose to wait until I was alone – on my own – at night – hours away from any close friends/family – to bring that spider into my life. God put me in a position where I had to make a choice: I could either be afraid and let the spider paralyze me and just give it free reign in the house, which would leave me in constant fear and paranoia knowing it was there, OR, I could be afraid and trust in the peace that He always gives, and lean on Him to give me the courage I need to “squoosh” the thing.

I have two young children – a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Our 2 year old son is very close with his Daddy, and he was handling this very lengthy deployment well, up until his Daddy came home for 2 weeks on Leave then had to go back overseas. Since then, our son has been acting out and showing some extreme signs of separation anxiety. It has been very rough dealing with that, and there have been several moments where I feel as though I have just reached my limit when it comes to patience. There are some days where it’s as though all I do is discipline him, and those days are frustrating for both of us. But, God continually renews my strength, and in those moments when I am at my wits end, and the “spider” just seems to be too big to handle, He brings to mind all of the reasons why I love our son so much…

Also during this deployment, our 1 year old daughter began having seizures. About 4 months ago, at 9 months old, she had the first of about 20 seizures. She has been in and out of the ER, hospitals, doctor’s offices, etc... She has seen/is seeing specialists, and has undergone countless tests trying to figure out why she suddenly developed this condition. So far, all we have is more questions… This has been yet another “spider” – one of the scariest. I have had many moments of just completely breaking down. But, every time, God renews my strength with His. He gives me peace in the anxiety, and He reminds me that His hand is in this. He is in control, even when I don’t understand. When this started, I felt so scared and frustrated, and I wanted so much for my husband to be here because there is just something about having your spouse - your partner - with you that gives you comfort in difficult situations…

But, instead, my husband was on yet another deployment, and here I've been, frightened, clueless, and on the verge of feeling completely overwhelmed, when God brought my focus back to Him. Throughout the past few months, God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways. He has taught me how to rely on Him, rather than on people. He has helped me to grow in so many ways over the past few months: In maturity, in knowledge and wisdom, and in some ways, understanding. Though I still have SO many questions and such a lack of knowledge regarding so many things, He has given me peace and comfort in knowing that He knows. He has increased my faith tremendously.

The list of “spiders” that have come out of the woodwork, just since my husband deployed, is so long it seems like (i.e. The day after he left, the pipes busted in our house and flooded our downstairs; our garage door broke and wouldn’t open/close; my best friend moved away; a close family member died from cancer; our daughter developed Epilepsy; our son fell and almost broke his nose; someone broke into our house while we were home - twice; our town was severely flooded to the point where people lost their lives; I found out I have a somewhat significant medical condition; not to mention, the whole “I have spiders in my house” thing, etc…) My point is that, through all of those things, God was there. He was right there with me. He was my encourager, my protector, my comfort, my strength. He held my hand through the hard things, and shared my joy through the good. When my heart was heavy, He held me, and showed me that He is there; He cares, and most of all, that He will sustain me. He will get me through.

God is ALWAYS there. He never breaks His promises. He always has time for us because we are His most important and most treasured job. God will never leave us feeling empty or hurt or disappointed because His ways, His plans, are far better than we could ever imagine. And, even when things don’t go exactly as we think they should, God will give us peace about it because His Word tells us “For God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of power of love, and of a sound mind.” He is not the author of confusion. God will always make things clear for us. He will always clearly show us His will, and then once we know what His will is, He allows us to choose whether to go along with it, or to act against it. No matter what we choose, He still loves us unconditionally.

So, the next time you are faced with one of life’s many “spiders”, try not to let the venom spread throughout your life, and instead, take a moment to step back, look around, and ask God what it is He’s trying to teach you. Pray and ask Him to be the vaccine that will heal you, make you stronger, and help you grow into the person He created you to be.