Reflections of a Butterfly

I just recently began a Bible Study called, “What Happens When Women Walk In Faith”, written by Lysa Terkeurst. As I read through the introduction and first chapter of the book, I found myself saying, “That’s me!” I felt elated, yet unsure, as I continued to read, trying to process everything I was taking in. Things that were a “secret” part of me; things I had not even talked to God about were right there in front of me in black and white, jumping off the page, and there was God, telling me “It’s time to confront this. It’s time to stop pretending. It’s time to step up and start living for Me. It’s time for you to start carrying out the plans I have for you.”


That feeling of elation kicked in again, along with that of excitement, followed closely by fear. I have pulled away from God for so long; not intentionally, but through various choices I had made, actions I had taken, bad habits and harmful temptations I had allowed myself to fall into. It had been a long, dark, winding road to the place I found myself currently in, and I had no idea how to find my way back… But, then, there was God. I’d thought for sure I had wandered too far from Him. They always say that if you feel like you’re far from God, He’s never the one who moved, and you can always find Him right where you left Him, but I figured out today that that statement isn’t entirely true. Yes, I was the one who moved, but God didn’t stay where I’d left Him, allowing me to walk away and get lost. Instead, He stayed right there with me… He was there through it all… All the bad choices, the temptations, the hurts, the anger, the sadness… He was there, arms wide open, just waiting for me to LET Him catch me every time I fell. But I, unfortunately, kept choosing to let myself just fall to the ground. I kept dodging His outstretched arms, choosing not to see – choosing to not acknowledge His presence. Out of guilt, out of shame… I knew I was the one who had walked away. I knew I was the one who stopped allowing Him to be a part of my life. But He never left. He spent all this time waiting quietly on the sidelines for me to grab hold of His hand and say “get in the game! I want You on my team!”

Why has it taken me so long to say that? Why did I allow myself to be fooled into believing that I had done too many things wrong; made too many wrong choices; walked too far away; etc… for Him to still want me and love me? Why did I fool myself into thinking that I was too far gone for Him to ever be able to use me? I’d convinced myself that I was a failure, so I’d better just keep going to try to make the best of the mess I’d made of my life. But, God said “No. I want better for you. I have better for you, and I want to show you that I am sufficient; I can pull you through – I can lift you out of this darkness and I can use you to glorify Me, if you will only take My hand and say, ‘Yes, Lord’. I have been waiting for you for too long. It’s time.”

There is a song called, “From Nowhere To Now – Here” by The Kin. It’s not a Christian song, but I happened to hear it playing softly in the background as I was reading through my Bible study and I heard God’s voice in the lyrics of the chorus…

“Take this love

Calls your name

No need to walk alone

From nowhere to now here

Change has come

Well come in

No need to walk alone

From nowhere to now here”

I listened to those words over and over again. I kept replaying the song, and I realized that it described my relationship with God. God is offering His love to me – still. I got Saved over 9 years ago, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am His, but as I explained previously, somewhere along the way, I got lost and pulled away, distancing myself from Him – or so I thought. But here He is, right beside me, offering His unconditional love, despite all I have done, and all I have not done. He is calling my name, and telling me He is with me, willing to walk with me from this place – my “nowhere” – to get me to His “now here”. He wants to take me to where He wants me to be. He wants to walk with me and pull me out of this dark void, the middle of nowhere, and show me the specific “here” where He wants me to be; the place I can be nourished by Him, by His Word and grow. The place He can use me for His glory.

So, here I am, Lord. I am ready to take Your hand. I am ready for You to lead me out of this place I find myself. Ready for you to guide me forward – not back. I am ready to walk with you. Guide me, Lord. Nourish my heart, my mind… Teach me what I need to know, so that you may use me to honor You. Hold me tightly, Lord, so that I may not wander from You again. I need You, Father, because in all my wandering I have learned that I cannot make it alone….. Thank You for not letting me go… In Jesus’ name… In Jesus’ name… yes, Lord…