Reflections of a Butterfly

I just killed a spider the size of China.

Ok, so not really, but it sounds dramatic, right?! I mean, there I was minding my own business, lounging on the couch, when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. At first, I think I am imagining it, because upon looking, I don't see anything on the rug in the dining room, but I get up to check anyway just because I know if I don't, I will wake up to a monstrous snake or something wrapped around my dining table in the morning. SO... I get up and finally see it: this FREAKY looking spider w/ legs longer than a European super model's and about 1000 beady eyes - and they're all STARING at me. OH MY WORD!




SO... I start looking for things to squoosh it with - because of course, I'm barefoot and there's NO WAY I'm getting any closer than 10 feet from this thing - it's about half the size of a dollar bill (aka China - hello!) and could launch some kind of ninja counter attack against me at any minute. So, I'm running around, afraid to go into the other room because the second I let the monster out of my sight, I know it will go into hiding and begin plotting against me in the night. Then I see my defense: my 2 year old's tennis shoe. I pick it up and hurl it at the spider.



FYI: toddler sized shoes for spiders the size of China do not work so well in the squooshing department. This knowledge base was reinforced when I hurled my son's OTHER shoe at it, also missing, but not by enough to keep the creature from getting mad. By this time, the thing was spinning around in a fashion that somewhat reminded me of that all-too-well-known scene from The Exorcist (not that I've seen the movie; I've just heard about it). Then, I saw my saving grace!!!! (Bright, heavenly light shines down; angelic music plays mystically in the background) A box!!!



Thankfully, a friend had mailed a package for the kids that had arrived the day before, and there sat the empty box - it was heavy duty cardboard, solid, firm - and most importantly: BIG. I picked it up, making sure it was sealed closed - I didn't want the spider getting inside and turning it into some kind of hideout or something. Then, I slowly tiptoed over towards the rug, being careful to stay far enough back so that I can duck for cover if I miss and the freak arachnid decides to go all bad-spiderman on me or something.



I find my pitching position, I aim, and in the fastest slow motion I've ever seen, I throw the box at the spider. It lands on him and bounces off, as I take off running in the opposite direction. YEESSSS!!! I GOT HIM!!! I cautiously make my way back over to the area. I see his somewhat crippled and withered body, crumpled there on my rug, and then, he starts twitching.

Yes, I said "twitching".


Now, let me tell you, you just don't know wierd (or gross) until you've seen a spider twitching. I figure the creature is a mutant and will come back to life at any moment, so I pick up the box, careful not to touch the side that landed on him - nasty!) and use it to push him off of my rug, onto the wood floor, where I proceed to drown him in a shower of Raid. HAHA! Victory!!! I grab my broom and dust pan, and using the box again, I hold the dust pan in place so I can, from a distance, sweep his nasty little bug body into it. I would have held it, but spiders are sneaky little creatures - you never know when they're just playing dead. Like I said, "China" - this thing was industrial!



SO... I get him scooped up and dump him in the trash, but the little booger won't fall to the bottom ~ I have to get out my gloves and an empty milk jug, and of course, my good ole' trusty box :o) and use them to mash the trash down so that if that nasty thing does decide to come back to life, he'll have to go through today's supply of dirty diapers to get back to me. Beat THAT creature!!!



Now, here I am, back on the couch, looking around, slightly paranoid, and eyeing that suspicious looking piece of fuzz that keeps floating around the floor on the other side of the room. All I know is, that fuzz had better be careful: one gust of wind in the wrong direction and my box and I just might take it out!


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That is a true story that happened to me a week or so ago. As you can tell, I am slightly afraid of spiders. I always have been. Every time I see a spider, my body just begins to tremble with this intense fear and anxiety, and that fact got me thinking…

We all have spiders in our lives. Not  literal spiders necessarily, but rather things that creep into our lives, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes unwelcomed, unwanted… Sometimes, those things are frightening, sometimes they are saddening, overwhelming, hurtful. Sometimes they bring anger and frustration, confusion, exhaustion, and then there are even times when the “spiders” that appear in our lives leave us shaken to the core, almost paralyzed by their venom… For us Military wives, so many times, those things - those “spiders – come creeping in during deployments and/or separations.

During those times, we are usually physically on our own. We have our jobs/duties, our kids, our homes, the whole kit and caboodle – it is all resting on our shoulders. It is up to us to do everything; to keep our world around us going when our spouse is hundreds, or even thousands of miles away from us.

In those times, we often feel alone. Sure, there are days that aren’t so bad, and we do alright, but we’ve all had those moments when we just reach our breaking point. The teenager is acting out again; the house is a mess; the grocery store was packed and out of half the items on your list; the car needs an oil change; the baby is teething, sick, and cranky; the deadline for your project at work is approaching quicker than you can prepare; your back is aching; your college classes are far more demanding than you could have imagined; the washing machine just broke – again; the dog just ate your favorite pair of shoes; and you haven’t had a moment to yourself in weeks. There is a lot of stress that we all have to deal with on a daily basis, and many times, that “spider” we call stress, can fill us with the venom of tension, bitterness, anger, and resentment – IF we let it.

BUT, if we choose to look at things through a new light, we can see how God is using those things to work in us and through us in our everyday lives.

For example, remember my spider incident? Well, God used that to show me that He is faithful and will provide me with the strength and courage needed to accomplish whatever comes up. You see, had my husband been home when that horrid little thing came creeping out, I would have been in hysterics, jumping up onto the couch, hollering for him to come and “rescue me”. However, instead, God chose to wait until I was alone – on my own – at night – hours away from any close friends/family – to bring that spider into my life. God put me in a position where I had to make a choice: I could either be afraid and let the spider paralyze me and just give it free reign in the house, which would leave me in constant fear and paranoia knowing it was there, OR, I could be afraid and trust in the peace that He always gives, and lean on Him to give me the courage I need to “squoosh” the thing.

I have two young children – a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Our 2 year old son is very close with his Daddy, and he was handling this very lengthy deployment well, up until his Daddy came home for 2 weeks on Leave then had to go back overseas. Since then, our son has been acting out and showing some extreme signs of separation anxiety. It has been very rough dealing with that, and there have been several moments where I feel as though I have just reached my limit when it comes to patience. There are some days where it’s as though all I do is discipline him, and those days are frustrating for both of us. But, God continually renews my strength, and in those moments when I am at my wits end, and the “spider” just seems to be too big to handle, He brings to mind all of the reasons why I love our son so much…

Also during this deployment, our 1 year old daughter began having seizures. About 4 months ago, at 9 months old, she had the first of about 20 seizures. She has been in and out of the ER, hospitals, doctor’s offices, etc... She has seen/is seeing specialists, and has undergone countless tests trying to figure out why she suddenly developed this condition. So far, all we have is more questions… This has been yet another “spider” – one of the scariest. I have had many moments of just completely breaking down. But, every time, God renews my strength with His. He gives me peace in the anxiety, and He reminds me that His hand is in this. He is in control, even when I don’t understand. When this started, I felt so scared and frustrated, and I wanted so much for my husband to be here because there is just something about having your spouse - your partner - with you that gives you comfort in difficult situations…

But, instead, my husband was on yet another deployment, and here I've been, frightened, clueless, and on the verge of feeling completely overwhelmed, when God brought my focus back to Him. Throughout the past few months, God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways. He has taught me how to rely on Him, rather than on people. He has helped me to grow in so many ways over the past few months: In maturity, in knowledge and wisdom, and in some ways, understanding. Though I still have SO many questions and such a lack of knowledge regarding so many things, He has given me peace and comfort in knowing that He knows. He has increased my faith tremendously.

The list of “spiders” that have come out of the woodwork, just since my husband deployed, is so long it seems like (i.e. The day after he left, the pipes busted in our house and flooded our downstairs; our garage door broke and wouldn’t open/close; my best friend moved away; a close family member died from cancer; our daughter developed Epilepsy; our son fell and almost broke his nose; someone broke into our house while we were home - twice; our town was severely flooded to the point where people lost their lives; I found out I have a somewhat significant medical condition; not to mention, the whole “I have spiders in my house” thing, etc…) My point is that, through all of those things, God was there. He was right there with me. He was my encourager, my protector, my comfort, my strength. He held my hand through the hard things, and shared my joy through the good. When my heart was heavy, He held me, and showed me that He is there; He cares, and most of all, that He will sustain me. He will get me through.

God is ALWAYS there. He never breaks His promises. He always has time for us because we are His most important and most treasured job. God will never leave us feeling empty or hurt or disappointed because His ways, His plans, are far better than we could ever imagine. And, even when things don’t go exactly as we think they should, God will give us peace about it because His Word tells us “For God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of power of love, and of a sound mind.” He is not the author of confusion. God will always make things clear for us. He will always clearly show us His will, and then once we know what His will is, He allows us to choose whether to go along with it, or to act against it. No matter what we choose, He still loves us unconditionally.

So, the next time you are faced with one of life’s many “spiders”, try not to let the venom spread throughout your life, and instead, take a moment to step back, look around, and ask God what it is He’s trying to teach you. Pray and ask Him to be the vaccine that will heal you, make you stronger, and help you grow into the person He created you to be.